Twenty-something female quirks explained....

Work Tales – The Bitch wants me to join her team. Of course she didn’t ask me herself, she got a third party to do it. I don’t like her. She doesn’t like me :) She is not sincere and having me on board is The Bitch short-term solution. One of her girls tenders her resignation. I have worked with this girl before on several occasions. And I find her to be very competent and efficient in her work. If this girl is delivering & performing; yet she wants to leave this company where she have worked for less than 6 months – that tells me that something is not right somewhere. The Bitch & I will just create more problems and headache for each other :)

Jobs are so scarce these days. I have been searching for ages – yet nothing fruitful turn up. I missed my M13 life. The pay may be peanuts but I was absorbing, learning and gaining so much. Here is lifeless. I guess I have to stick with what I have for now…even though I don’t really like what I’m doing and the situation that I’m in. I know that I must appreciate what I have and fully utilize the resources that are in front of me right now. But something is missing – I’m not happy. I have become very quick-tempered, impatient, aggressive, destructive and explosive. At times, I don’t even like what I see in the mirror. My soul is dying. I like to think that I’m a very strong, optimistic person with a positive outlook on life. I have no choice but to take full responsibility of my decision and its consequences.

The Call – The SMS and the calls have been less frequent now. I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing or a bad sign. You know, some people will just get bored, tired and they just finally give up and disappear from the picture. I’m not sure is it because I’m not the needy, clingy and dependent type or because I have not fallen head over heels yet :) I’ve been told that I have a lot of things to hide. Yeah, to a certain extent I do. I’m just not ready to share my private life. It is going to take some time to de-layer me :)

Quake

I know it’s a bit late to feature this article in this blog, but hey…better late than never :) As Malaysia celebrates her 50 years of Nationhood, many speeches, expressions, opinions were written but this article written by Rafidah Abdullah has truly captured how all Malaysians feel today.

Fifty years ago, the people who were domiciled in this land made a social contract with each other. I wasn’t around then, so I don’t really know what went on, but this was the result: The Malays, who until then had constituted a people, a polity agreed to become a community among several communities in their own land and accept the huge numbers of Chinese and Indian migrants as co-citizens in a wholly new country. In today’s terms, this would be roughly equivalent to, for instance, China absorbing a billion Malay and Indian migrants and agreeing to form an entirely new nation with them as equal citizens. The Non-Malays, in return, were to accede to the Malays certain privileges for a limited time, with regard to land ownership, scholarships, business licenses and civil service positions, as well as to a political system that ensured Malay pre-eminence.

Fast-forward fifty years. What does all this mean to my generation, a generation divorced from this contract made by national leaders, all of whom have since passed on? Thanks to the particular brand of communal politics born all those years ago, my generation has inherited a divided nation with one side feeling denied and frustrated and the other feeling insecure, and clinging desperately to a sense of entitlement. Very few understand why things are this way, or take a moment to pause and query why things have become this way. Don’t get me wrong; what was decided all those years ago was probably the best way for the country at that time. What is disturbing is that as a nation, we haven’t been able to move on from that starting point to create a real sense of belonging for our plural family.

Thanks largely to ‘ethno-nationalist champions’, we are still harping on how Malays get all sorts of privileges, at times entirely un-deserved, and how Non-Malays should just keep quiet and be grateful to be given a home here without even having to give up their culture and identity. Given that both sides have valid points, how many more years will it take for us to move on? We have such a long way to go still, and so many more issues to deal with. And this year, our 50th year as an independent nation, seems to be an opportune time for us all to take stock of what we have and set some goals for this dear country of ours…..

Sometimes I don't like the way my country is being run…till now I’m still very curious whether the Malays have already achieved their 30% quota of the economic structure. If they still haven’t – does that mean that all the government efforts, initiatives and policies all these years are a failure? Or if they have indeed have achieved that 30% - isn’t it about time that the truth be reveal and let everyone compete as equals? Can Malaysia have Non-Malays Prime Minister in the future? The next time I fill up forms – will I have to tick in the small box that says that I’m a Non-Bumiputra? What will happen to Malaysia & her rakyat in another 50 years time? By then I’m already 75…perhaps I will stay, maybe I won’t :)

* England beat Russia 3-0. Two beautiful goals from my boy Michael Owen. Whee :)

I am hiding, tentative

* I am very angry, very frustrated, very upset with myself, with my life, with everyone and with everything!

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young but I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken-shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is hailing a taxi cab

-Alanis Morissette: Hand In My Pocket-

* Owen scored another goal – England beat Israel 3-0. The Press reported that this is one of his finest goals of his international career. Owen’s 38th England goal; a sublime half-volley from 20 yards :)

I Exist

Last weekend as the Nation proudly ushers in its 50th anniversary, I was away at Damai Laut Resort with Torres, Damian and Celtic. The beachy outing was terrific – I enjoyed the sunset, the cheap, fresh & delicious seafood, the majestic sea view, the soft white sand between my toes, the strong sea breeze, the ferry ride, the sea and the bonding session :)

Chapter 2 – The appointment was schedule at 2pm. However, I was kept waiting for 75 long minutes :( Luckily I spent the time shopping and manage to find a very nice top from Giordano with a 50% discount. We had a light lunch at StarBucks. Then I was shown pictures of trips taken in Australia, Hong Kong and Shenzhen. The atmosphere was just BLAND. The chemistry wasn’t there today. We both just wanted to end it there and then. I say this is The End. You know how they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder? In my case, it's the complete opposite for me - out of sight, out of mind.

Goodbye Ole, Welcome Back Owen – My Norwegian cutie Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has announced his retirement from competitive football but would remain at Old Trafford in a coaching capacity and would also fulfill an ambassadorial role. I’m not really a fan of MU but I’m a big fan to some of the players that has been groomed by Sir Alex – Ole, Roy Keane, Diego Forlan, Teddy Sheringham, Paul Scholes, Peter Schmeichel and yes even David Beckham – passionate players with skills that are above the rest.
Owen scored a goal! His first league goal since September 2005 when he claimed an 87th minute winner as Newcastle beat Wigan 1-0. It’s such a relief because his injuries could really kill off his footballing career for good. And finally Liverpool is at the top of the EPL table when they demolish Derby 6-0 and strolled through to the group phase of the Champions League with a 4-0 win over Toulouse :)

Why Am I Here? What Am I Doing Now?
I give up. YOU win. When things are meant to be…they are meant to be. No matter how I resists, no matter how hard I fought…things were just meant to be this way. It’s the fates. You can’t go against them. I am really lost. I’m trying hard to find my way out but the harder I try, the more lost I am. I am running in circles, I am stuck and have no idea which route to take :(

Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia!

Negaraku, Tanah tumpahnya darahku
Rakyat hidup, Bersatu dan maju
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan
Raja kita, Selamat bertakhta
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan
Raja kita, Selamat bertakhta

SanLive

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a 3 year old would do)
Melt it down (you’re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

-Alanis Morissette: You Learn-

I'm just here to scream!

I’ve make a horrible discovery. I’m blank. My skills are not as sharp as it used to be. What was once so natural to me – analyzing, branding, communication, planning, organizing, evaluating – has been totally zerorized. I have been doing less of those since joining Haakon; even though the monetary benefits have serves me well.
This can’t go on…I need a platform to enhance and add value to my skills and knowledge. From a local perspective, I need to go global. From managing a micro task, I need to upgrade myself in handling macro portfolios. I want the exposure and the experience. I’m really scared that at one point, I will lose the ability to use that part of my brain. Or I’ve forgotten how to do it and be a hard-nosed career professional. It’s a very scary thought. I’m aching to go back to do what I love doing. Sigh…I’m creatively frustrated.

And…I think the negative company is not good for my soul. And drawing strength & creating strongholds from other people’s contempt will darken my heart.

Real Girl

The cutting is more edgier. But it definitely makes my features more stand out. I think I will maintain this cut and do some highlights later on :) My hairstylist is a very quiet man yet very precise and loves going deep down to the details. But I really need to find myself a nice gay, male hairdresser who will squeal with delight when he sees me and who will love my hair more than I do :)

Yesterday was the warehouse relocation from GM to SAM25. So it was all work from 9am on Saturday morning till 12am this morning. My body is very sore now :(

Cake Delivery – I’m not ready to go there yet. I’m not ready to be at the finish line. I know that I should appreciate such thoughtful & sweet gesture, but I’m not ready to share my private space yet.

pick me up, lose me again

MAA-MediCare Kidney Charity Fund – The Firm organized a warehouse sale where a certain percentage of the profits will be channel to the fund that is currently raising money to buy another 2 more kidney dialysis machines for its center. The Bitch was the champion of this event. I volunteer 5 hours of my time this morning…and the momentum is extremely slooow. It seems that the location we chose, the catchment area seems to be insufficient. Hopefully tomorrow it will get better. But today I met some really nice people, and had some really nice conversations :)

I have not gotten on a bus since I came back from Perth. Today I decide; for a change that I will take the bus. Ever since RapidKL took over, there were many changes. The busses cover more routes for customers’ convenience, bus tickets can be used for the whole day regardless how many buses and places you go, the buses are newer, wider leg space…still there are 2 flaws - it is still not disable friendly and elderly folks find it difficult to climb the high steps. Throughout the journey, I pass by my familiar landmarks, my high school, my StarBucks, my 24-hour McD…
It’s strange to think that the city was once my playground.
Smells of strangers. Coffee. Darkness. Music. Money. Friends.
Walking past places reeking with intimacy now grown cold.
The Bench. Sitting, truanting.
The Tree. Kneeling, gasping.
The Cafe. Standing, stressed.
The Shops. Leaning, lonely.
The city. Her streets. Her buildings. Her facades. Her dark alleys of colorless secrets. For years, she mocked my happiness & unhappiness. My doubt. My confusion. Obscuring me from myself. For years, she made me believe that running away was the only way. Some I ran, some I fought on :)

This week, things got a little better. Really thank GOD for walking me through it. I sense it's going to be one helluva long ride, and I ain't getting off anytime soon. I need to neutralize some of these mine fields, in order for me to get through in one piece. Nothing looks like it used to. My surrounding is so blurred, unclear. Their colors are all grey and ashen. Feels like everything is dying.

I miss, and I don't miss YOU at the same time. I don't know. I'd rather not know.

What Simple Do

Chapter 1 – Lunch was at Kim Gary, it was not an excellent choice. I expect that the place chosen was somewhere that is quiet; away from the crowd where intimate conversations can take place. But no, Kim Gary was crowded to the max yesterday; our table was right near the entrance. So imagine the sea of people walking in, waiters & waitresses pushing their way through carrying trays of food, customers chit-chatting aloud…it was hard to hear each other and to concentrate :(
Then we watch ‘The Simpsons’. I love this dysfunctional Springfield family. The lines are always witty and the characters are entertaining & real. Homer Jay Simpson is such a lovable personality and a fun loser but what is admirable is that he always try his best in everything but of course his best doesn’t really match up to anything but not many real fathers have the courage to try :) It’s comical why Homer loves the pig in the movie so much yet he loves to strangle his notoriously naughty son Bart, dispirit his smart daughter Lisa and ignore his youngest child Maggie. Bartholomew Jojo Simpson is always memorable – in the movie he skates through Springfield in the buff; showing his doodle :) But there was also the missing familiar phrases – ‘Eat My Shorts’ and ‘Aye Carumba’. What is moving is that the family loves each other, stay together and grow together.
The highlight for the day was when we went up to the ‘Eye On Malaysia’. The city buildings were always in sight but the night view was not really that spectacular. I guess it’s because not many towers, buildings, skyscrapers was being lighted up. It was only the Petronas Twin Towers, KL Tower and the Istana Budaya. I can’t even see the Genting Highlands. The Arena Vision Light Show featuring 12 different light shows, program by a computer which was display through water screens at the lake look more awesome at the ground level than from the top. The light show is made possible through the use of sixteen 1200 Watt MSR light bulbs made in and specially imported from Italy. Overall it was one fun ride especially when it reaches at the highest peak. The fireworks display ends the night on a high note. The stars. Big stars, little stars, clouds of teeny tiny stars. The colors. The glorious wispy band of the Milky Way. The sparkling tinges of pinks, blues, purples, reds, greens, golds…details and textures of the night sky literally singing from the heavens. Glowing with unmistakable presence. Then it was dinner at the Starz; KLCC.
I think there are many areas that we need to work on, like The Simpsons – we still need to learn about each other, discover each other, grow with each other until we can find a rhythm that can keeps us going forward. I don’t foresee this to have a happy ending or even an ending. Nonetheless it feels great when someone open the car door for you :)

Work Tales - It bugs me to watch the industry happily going about its business. I feel like I’ve missed the bus or something. I watch Tommy, Nikolai, Juan, Celtic, Wyatt, Damian, Stavros, Eloise, Pierre Andre develop and evolve. Their folios getting bigger. Experience ticking longer. I really wish I can turn back time and un-mend the decision that I have make. I should have just said Yes to the First Triangle. Even though it was a final logical decision to join Haakon, I should have at least looked deeper and farther. After I left M13, things have gotten worst. It filled with emptiness and a lot of soul searching. I was tormented – yes TORMENTED to the point where if I took one more step, I'd be stepping on a land mine. I was trying to deal with a lot of issues. I don't think that it will ever disappear. And this is going to be a very long, tiring journey :(