Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia!

Negaraku, Tanah tumpahnya darahku
Rakyat hidup, Bersatu dan maju
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan
Raja kita, Selamat bertakhta
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan
Raja kita, Selamat bertakhta

SanLive

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a 3 year old would do)
Melt it down (you’re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

-Alanis Morissette: You Learn-

I'm just here to scream!

I’ve make a horrible discovery. I’m blank. My skills are not as sharp as it used to be. What was once so natural to me – analyzing, branding, communication, planning, organizing, evaluating – has been totally zerorized. I have been doing less of those since joining Haakon; even though the monetary benefits have serves me well.
This can’t go on…I need a platform to enhance and add value to my skills and knowledge. From a local perspective, I need to go global. From managing a micro task, I need to upgrade myself in handling macro portfolios. I want the exposure and the experience. I’m really scared that at one point, I will lose the ability to use that part of my brain. Or I’ve forgotten how to do it and be a hard-nosed career professional. It’s a very scary thought. I’m aching to go back to do what I love doing. Sigh…I’m creatively frustrated.

And…I think the negative company is not good for my soul. And drawing strength & creating strongholds from other people’s contempt will darken my heart.

Real Girl

The cutting is more edgier. But it definitely makes my features more stand out. I think I will maintain this cut and do some highlights later on :) My hairstylist is a very quiet man yet very precise and loves going deep down to the details. But I really need to find myself a nice gay, male hairdresser who will squeal with delight when he sees me and who will love my hair more than I do :)

Yesterday was the warehouse relocation from GM to SAM25. So it was all work from 9am on Saturday morning till 12am this morning. My body is very sore now :(

Cake Delivery – I’m not ready to go there yet. I’m not ready to be at the finish line. I know that I should appreciate such thoughtful & sweet gesture, but I’m not ready to share my private space yet.

pick me up, lose me again

MAA-MediCare Kidney Charity Fund – The Firm organized a warehouse sale where a certain percentage of the profits will be channel to the fund that is currently raising money to buy another 2 more kidney dialysis machines for its center. The Bitch was the champion of this event. I volunteer 5 hours of my time this morning…and the momentum is extremely slooow. It seems that the location we chose, the catchment area seems to be insufficient. Hopefully tomorrow it will get better. But today I met some really nice people, and had some really nice conversations :)

I have not gotten on a bus since I came back from Perth. Today I decide; for a change that I will take the bus. Ever since RapidKL took over, there were many changes. The busses cover more routes for customers’ convenience, bus tickets can be used for the whole day regardless how many buses and places you go, the buses are newer, wider leg space…still there are 2 flaws - it is still not disable friendly and elderly folks find it difficult to climb the high steps. Throughout the journey, I pass by my familiar landmarks, my high school, my StarBucks, my 24-hour McD…
It’s strange to think that the city was once my playground.
Smells of strangers. Coffee. Darkness. Music. Money. Friends.
Walking past places reeking with intimacy now grown cold.
The Bench. Sitting, truanting.
The Tree. Kneeling, gasping.
The Cafe. Standing, stressed.
The Shops. Leaning, lonely.
The city. Her streets. Her buildings. Her facades. Her dark alleys of colorless secrets. For years, she mocked my happiness & unhappiness. My doubt. My confusion. Obscuring me from myself. For years, she made me believe that running away was the only way. Some I ran, some I fought on :)

This week, things got a little better. Really thank GOD for walking me through it. I sense it's going to be one helluva long ride, and I ain't getting off anytime soon. I need to neutralize some of these mine fields, in order for me to get through in one piece. Nothing looks like it used to. My surrounding is so blurred, unclear. Their colors are all grey and ashen. Feels like everything is dying.

I miss, and I don't miss YOU at the same time. I don't know. I'd rather not know.

What Simple Do

Chapter 1 – Lunch was at Kim Gary, it was not an excellent choice. I expect that the place chosen was somewhere that is quiet; away from the crowd where intimate conversations can take place. But no, Kim Gary was crowded to the max yesterday; our table was right near the entrance. So imagine the sea of people walking in, waiters & waitresses pushing their way through carrying trays of food, customers chit-chatting aloud…it was hard to hear each other and to concentrate :(
Then we watch ‘The Simpsons’. I love this dysfunctional Springfield family. The lines are always witty and the characters are entertaining & real. Homer Jay Simpson is such a lovable personality and a fun loser but what is admirable is that he always try his best in everything but of course his best doesn’t really match up to anything but not many real fathers have the courage to try :) It’s comical why Homer loves the pig in the movie so much yet he loves to strangle his notoriously naughty son Bart, dispirit his smart daughter Lisa and ignore his youngest child Maggie. Bartholomew Jojo Simpson is always memorable – in the movie he skates through Springfield in the buff; showing his doodle :) But there was also the missing familiar phrases – ‘Eat My Shorts’ and ‘Aye Carumba’. What is moving is that the family loves each other, stay together and grow together.
The highlight for the day was when we went up to the ‘Eye On Malaysia’. The city buildings were always in sight but the night view was not really that spectacular. I guess it’s because not many towers, buildings, skyscrapers was being lighted up. It was only the Petronas Twin Towers, KL Tower and the Istana Budaya. I can’t even see the Genting Highlands. The Arena Vision Light Show featuring 12 different light shows, program by a computer which was display through water screens at the lake look more awesome at the ground level than from the top. The light show is made possible through the use of sixteen 1200 Watt MSR light bulbs made in and specially imported from Italy. Overall it was one fun ride especially when it reaches at the highest peak. The fireworks display ends the night on a high note. The stars. Big stars, little stars, clouds of teeny tiny stars. The colors. The glorious wispy band of the Milky Way. The sparkling tinges of pinks, blues, purples, reds, greens, golds…details and textures of the night sky literally singing from the heavens. Glowing with unmistakable presence. Then it was dinner at the Starz; KLCC.
I think there are many areas that we need to work on, like The Simpsons – we still need to learn about each other, discover each other, grow with each other until we can find a rhythm that can keeps us going forward. I don’t foresee this to have a happy ending or even an ending. Nonetheless it feels great when someone open the car door for you :)

Work Tales - It bugs me to watch the industry happily going about its business. I feel like I’ve missed the bus or something. I watch Tommy, Nikolai, Juan, Celtic, Wyatt, Damian, Stavros, Eloise, Pierre Andre develop and evolve. Their folios getting bigger. Experience ticking longer. I really wish I can turn back time and un-mend the decision that I have make. I should have just said Yes to the First Triangle. Even though it was a final logical decision to join Haakon, I should have at least looked deeper and farther. After I left M13, things have gotten worst. It filled with emptiness and a lot of soul searching. I was tormented – yes TORMENTED to the point where if I took one more step, I'd be stepping on a land mine. I was trying to deal with a lot of issues. I don't think that it will ever disappear. And this is going to be a very long, tiring journey :(