< di akhir garisan >

Finally…after 23 years; PKNS have decided to give all the apartments here a new coat of paint :) Yes, it has been that long. I have stayed here since I was 3; I grew up here and have never been to anywhere else. Except in 2003 and 2004 where I was based in Perth.
All my childhood friends and old neighbors have long gone and moved away to other residential suburbs. It’s not that we didn’t want a bigger space; affordability is not within our range. Pa has spent so much on me for my education in Perth and now he has to spent more money on baby sis’s psychology studies. Besides that, my parents also need to save for their retirement plans, their emergency savings, health savings etc.
Sometimes, I feel hopeless.
Nonetheless, counting my blessings. Because sometimes it’s easy to forget.

The original color was white & beige…but the PKNS chose an orangy color.
Refer to the middle cell of the color palette above.
Not to my fancy, but it’s better than nothing. It makes the place looks brand new…from the outside. Either the PKNS is going to increase our monthly maintenance bills or the general elections is really coming soon, therefore the government is doing this to make the rakyat happy.

love is all around

Seize life TODAY!
We only live once and for a limited time, after that, it’s between you & GOD for eternity.
Seek your purpose, Act with passion, Walk with poise – Jason Ko; Editor MYC News.

One Headlight

So long ago, I don’t remember when
That’s when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I see the sun comin’ up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it’s cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can’t break away from this parade
But there’s got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin’ all there’s good and nothingness is dead
We’ll run until she’s out of breath
She ran until there’s nothin’ left
She hit the end-it’s just her window ledge

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn’t turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn
I’m so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin’ dreams
I think her death it must be killin’ me

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

(by The WallFlowers)

“I am far more comfortable with failure than I ever will be with success – Shekhar Kapur”

Vivify…..Cherishing

EDEN – personal and intimate.
Trix, Torres, Drew and myself organized a birthday dinner for Damian.
Gosh, how time flies! It just felt like yesterday where we had the dinner at Eat Workshop.
Yesterday was a simple dinner; we indulge in a variety of western grill dishes and then finished off with a delicious walk through ‘Toys R US’ to stretch our legs :) It was fun and crazy in the toy shop. It brings back fond memories when we saw characters from ‘Sesame Street’, ‘CareBears’, ‘UNO’, ‘My Little Pony & Friends’ and ‘StarWars’. But I can no longer find the cute little blue creatures – Smurfs :(

Thinking back, I can’t recall any outstanding, defining moments of my childhood.
Nothing bad happened; nothing impacted or influenced my life in a distinct or incredible way.
I only have lots of happy, colorful, blurry, fun, innocent memories of being a kid :)

baby bob

Good news – my staff Zehan gave birth to a baby girl this morning; at 12am :)

Bad news – my assistant Riza suffered her third miscarriage :(
I drop da’bomb : ( Fredrik was surprised. Haakon said it was a good thing. But a lot of people in the industry have been laughing behind my back for rejecting Atticus’s offer. My first dumb-ass decision for the year…it wasn’t a hard decision for me. It was hard for everyone else around me to understand.

Each time, I’ve left a company with no regrets. Psyched myself up with cold steely reserve, waiting to start a new life, waiting to see what beckons me. I’m excited, and yet apprehensive as usual. The work, the stress, the possibility of growing fat and old and alone…but after all is said and done, I’m not really sure what I’ve achieved.

- revival -

Heathcliff Andrew Ledger…dies at the age of 28! :( I’m utterly speechless.
He was found dead in a Manhattan apartment, facedown and naked at the foot of his bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, police said. It is yet to be confirmed whether it was suicidal or accidental drug overdose. Heath was award-winning actor who chose his roles carefully; gravitated toward dark, brooding roles that defied leading man status rather than cashing in on his heartthrob good looks. He was even nominated for an Oscar for his most-remembered performance as a gay cowboy in Ang Lee’s ‘Brokeback Mountain’. He left behind his ex-wife Michelle Williams and their daughter; Matilda. He was a Perth boy, a promising actor, a genuine artist…and I was so looking forward to another of his great acting performance as The Joker in the new Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight’.

And then there was the death of Bradley Barron Renfro. Brad was only 25! The unknown Brad Renfro was discovered at the age of 10 by director Joel Schumacher and was immediately cast in his first major motion picture ‘The Client’ in 1994 alongside Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Serandon. I remembered him best in ‘Tom and Huck’ with my crush at that time; Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT).

Why in the hell all of the young & talented child actors/actresses have to be involved one way or the other in drugs or alcohol? What is the actual root of the problem? Hollywood fame? Peer pressure? Publicity? Stress? Young lives are gone; just like that. This better be a wake-up call for Haley Joel Osment, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. It’s a timely reminder to clean-up their act and pull their lives together.

‘Death’ is always all around us, the very ‘being’ responsible for taking even the ones we care for; away, forever. I don’t know how long I will live; will I live until the age of 106, like my paternal great grandmother? Or my life will be short-lived? At 26 perhaps? Will I go through a peaceful & painless death or will I be in much pain?
In GOD, I trust. I am just going to be good, try out everything, be my best and appreciate & embrace every breath of it. That’s how life should be :)
I want to be remembered as a young character that is down to earth, generous, kind-hearted, life-loving, cheeky and unselfish individual that inspires people on many different levels :)

2008 is a year of surviving. Optimism is a good thing. Except that too much of a good thing can sometimes kill you. Meanwhile, Fear isn’t always that bad. No one can blame you for growing eyes at the back of your head. People can however blame you for causing a crap load of hurt.

junkie

It’s funny. Something happened. I just finished my meeting in Chevron HQ and took a cab back from Damansara to SAM25.
Strike up a conversation with the cab driver – as usual, the topic started out with ‘how was business these days?’…and the usual response will be: ‘susah nak cari makan’. Then there was the discussion on the sex scandal of our former Health Minister Datuk Dr Chua Soi Lek…then, I don’t know how it happen…one thing after another, the cab driver started telling me about his manhood, his sexual appetite, the types of women he have shag before in different continents – from Asia to Europe to South America, his one night stand…..thus, throughout the whole 45 minutes, I already have an understanding of his sex history :)

Now, at first I was stunned and shock – it was like, I got on the wrong cab and this driver is a sex maniac. What if he drove me to an isolated place and then rapes me and kills me cold blooded?! I was terrified. I know I was being a bit dramatic but it’s also important to be extra careful.
The man wasn’t a pervert; he was just being generous with his experience :) He even reminds me to play it safe.
But I get to witness the lifestyle of another group of people from my community. Having such a conversations, you just need to keep an open mind. Some people tend to lead their lives that way. He had a rough childhood, with no family commitment; he travel overseas and work as a cheap labor; just like the many Indonesians that is flooding this country. As age catches up, he returns back to his homeland. Nonetheless, in every action, there are responsibilities. It’s not a life story to teach a child, but it can be an open discussion with an adult.

It was a hilarious and wonderful journey.
The most open-minded cab driver ever. I will remember this colorful character whenever I take a cab the next time.

send REVOLUTION

I received a very stern warning and a lengthy lecture from my Pa and Mom :( I was so focus in chasing after THIS, that I eventually neglected THESE. Now I suffered a bit of my consequences. It’s either I do the right thing or the easy thing. One of my bad habits is that I always choose to do the RIGHT thing. And by doing the right thing, the path is always the hardest to walk.

The last 9 months have been one hell of a roller coaster ride – a pressure cooker situation. It was not the kind of learning curve that I want it to be or expected it to be; especially on work related but it was a learning curve on a more personal level.
I kind of come face-to-face with having to identify what kind of woman I wanted to be. There’s a point where you’re a girl, and then you’re a woman. So what am I going to do? Are you going to constantly be the girl that kind of follows and does all of these or are you going to be the woman that states what she wants for herself?
Life has not been charmed for me, that’s for sure. But GOD does carry me through. GOD have been there for me, and look after me well. I did go through a time where I was very uncertain and insecure, because everything around me was falling apart. I was a wreck and I couldn’t really hold on to anything. So nothing really made sense. It was confusing and disjointed. I was very frustrated about that because I felt like that was my one sanctuary. For a minute there, I was doing things that were not humanly possible and it was just a miserable way to be…I had to learn from it or quit, one or the other. I’m serious. All of it, every side of it. Never saying NO, always doing everything, accepting everything. Every inch of space was taken up with something to do and somewhere to be and someone to call and someone to talk to and someone to meet…and it’s just too much. I came to a point where I was just sick of being that. Sick of holding in these emotions that I had which were really eating away at me. So I became very rebellious about that, very rebellious about people telling me what they thought I should do and what they felt was good for me. My bad habits - I discovered that I spent a lot of my life feeling like I had to prove myself and please the crowd.
When I am young, I was shy; I don’t react in the same way. Now I am 26, I’ve lived a lot of things in my life, so everything changes. Even in my head, things can change because I go through so many things in my life. I don’t think I’ve changed a lot, but I grow up as a person. I know what happened in the past.

There’s a certain magic that happens when you just let it go, it feels good to be able to let go of a lot of things that were holding me back and coming to a more secure place in myself.

It’s very important to be happy in life :)

Rebel-Angel

I bump into my ex-lady boss from BCI Asia (Kwee Choo) at Carrefour, Subang on Thursday. I was surprised when she approached me first and I was genuinely touched that she actually remembered me :) I was attached with them for only 2 ½ months and I’m glad that I have left a good impression of myself. I have been praised for generating the most report leads. Sadly, it was for a short period of time, nonetheless learning about the construction and building industry in my country has been an eye-opener. I still keep an eye on the latest upcoming condominium projects that is mushrooming in my city rapidly – especially the super luxuries one where the affordability is way beyond my capability :) And my current interest lies in the Mall development. I’m a retail gal after all :)

The second surprise was when I receive a Gift Set from HP – Denise; my supplier put my name on the recipient list :) I must be doing something right, right? :) There were so many cute goodies in the gorgeous silver paper box – there is the eco-friendly carrier bag, a miniature Mini Cooper, a tool set, a keychain, a Touch & Go Card, a light bulb, a 150ml Coke and a miniature padlock – all symbolizing HP new DC7800 series – Environmentally friendly, Speed & convenience, Superior service & support, Scalable & productive, Performance & reliability, Saves energy, Stay cool always and Security.

I rejected Atticus’s offer – I feel guilty, VERY VERY guilty :( It was a dumb-ass decision. I can only say sorry that I didn’t manage the situation well. I thought that I can get rid of my guilt by the next day, but it lasted till now.
My answers are spontaneous, genuine and sincere. I never meant to hurt you or to get you into trouble. You must be thinking that I was playing you around but I was not. My intentions were very keen, but after seeing what happen to Celtic and Haakon…I got a bit doubtful. If it can happen to them, what about me – this small potato? I went up to see you with my hopes high and zero expectations. And when you finally reverted, your offer was more than tempting.
But alas; my PROMISE to her. If your side has not delayed in signing her up, I would have joined you, Atticus. Due to your side lateness, she has signed up with them and has pulled me there. I don’t have a choice. I am desperate to leave SAM25, there were no feedback from the French…I choose to walk this road.
I’m unsure of this path; it may turn up to be like SAM25 or even worst and I’ll always be remembered as being the number 2 & in her shadows. They will never see me as being on par with her, better than her…but this is my only escape. She is doing this as a favor for me, knowing that I didn’t sign up with Atticus because of her. She can do this without me; she can do it by herself.
Atticus; let me soak in there for a while, I’ll be back. There is the feeling of unfinished business for me, the feeling of responsibility for my actions.

I feel like crying today, I want to shed a tear, I want to sob… yet I don't like to cry, because if you cry, you already lost half of the battle. Dreams and wishes are not for me. It’s always been crushed. It struck me that I've gotten more private about my personal journeys here. And I think my voice has changed, moved on in directions that are probably not the right way to go, but it can't be helped. That's life. It's tough being an adult.

PRIDE

2007 World/Local Events that I remembered:

26th April 2007 – 13th Yang Di-Pertuan Agong installed: Tuanku Mizan Zainal Abidin from Terengganu. It reminded all Malaysians that no other country in the world practices this unique system of constitutional monarchy that allows the rulers of its states to take turns to ascend to the throne for a period of 5 years.

8th June 2007 – Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi announced his second marriage to Jeanne Abdullah. He is the country’s first serving Prime Minister to do so.

7th July 2007 – Live Earth > a series of 7 of worldwide concerts to create awareness on Climate Change.

13th July 2007 – David Beckham is unveiled as LA Galaxy ‘Galatico’.

31st August 2007 – Malaysia turns 50! The pride when the Union Jack flag was brought down and the rise of the Jalur Gemilang :)

10th September 2007 – Anita Roddick, founder of beauty retailer The BodyShop passed away. We lost a great woman.

10th October 2007 – Our very own ‘Angkasawan’ was launched to the space from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

17th November 2007 – Ferrari Kimi Raikkonen was confirmed as 2007 Formula One champion.

21st November 2007 – England failed to qualify for the Euro 2008.

25th November 2007 – The Hindu Rights Action Force (HINDRAF) and supporters staged a street protest in several locations in the capitol; demanding among other things equal rights for the Indians in Malaysia and to gather support for its suit against Britain, claiming US$4 Trillion for the suffering of the Indians whose ancestors were taken to Malaysia by the British as indentured laborers 150 years ago.

Labour’s Kevin Rudd was elected Prime Minister of Australia to become the third Labour leader in 60 years to win Government from the Opposition, taking over from Liberal Party John Howard after 11 years in power.


***After All We Are Good Friends :(

January In Gold

Happy New Year 2008 :)

I was invited to Seth’s house for the 2008 New Year Countdown, joining The Others. It was a wonderful mix of friends, good food (sate, pizzas, KFC, ‘lobak’, Chinese ‘tong sui’) and good wine. I go bright red after 3 sips of wine :)
It was a most excellent night out – you could feel the love and happyness dripping from the walls. Everyone was so happy, giggly and bubbly. The fireworks were small as Seth’s apartment was far away, but the sky glowed gloriously high above our heads. It glowed!