you had me at hello

I’m 27 this month! :)

Ah; how time have change my plans :)
Who would have thought that I would carve my career in the retail industry and make a name for myself in the last 4 years? Some people said that I will not be able to survive it all but I did! It still feels a little surreal to me how I've finally parked myself comfortably into the retail world. Well; not exactly as comfortably as I would have expected; but certainly thrilled about it nonetheless! I know it's difficult to take my child-like persona seriously at times (from the suppliers, the store people, the top top management, the support crew, fellow comrades); but I'm really not the type who sits back when others begin pushing my buttons! Well no doubt; in my line of work there will always be moments where people decide to have a go at my confidence or credibility, and being the idiot that I am; I would spend the next 2 hours questioning myself *slaps forehead* I need to stop worrying; it's holding me back :)

I re-write my career path. If I have remain faithfully and patiently in BCI Asia – I would be doing marketing research, copywriting, media and publishing; related subjects that I undertake in my undergraduate studies...instead of retail merchandizing.
The first 5 months of this year was a tough journey for me - I stopped for directions, I’ve shifted gears; and in some cliff-hanging moments – I was actually clinging on to my dear life. It truly felt like that. Do-or-die-situation. This year I've sacrificed all of my Saturday afternoons...it wasn't so much about how scared I was of growing older; but more so of the significance of letting the 27th year of my life to go to waste. I know that the sleep deprivation was shocking. My brain was completely fried. I was walking around like a cute zombie :) There were moments where I’d rather push myself, than be a lazy blob :)
No doubt, it gets more and more difficult trying to stay strong. I completely understand how I'm not the only one in the world pursuing my dreams; I am not alone, I know for a fact there are so many of us out there searching for inspirational others. I could make a list about a 100 things that I dislike about myself, I could make a list of 10 habits I should work on changing every day, but I can't seem to make a substantial list of reasons to give myself a pat on the back. This is the very sad part of me. I really have to stop taking each poor sales results failure as a personal failure which I beat myself up about each night. No doubt; occasionally things go wrong, people make mistakes, external factors playing up; but I as the person behind it all; should take it as the responsibility of an entity as a whole, instead of convincing myself what an idiot I was to not have done THIS or THAT!
That's ridiculous! I've always taken full responsibilities for my actions; but when it's the actions of more than just me; of people working for me; working with me; working under me; against me, I can't control all of that; I must let go. I can't change the world by worrying about every little mess-up; I can't build my experiences by being petty over the littlest details which upset me. I'm trying to do all I can, and all I know…I never go to sleep each night without thinking to myself; what if it isn't enough? What if I'm too ahead or far behind of myself? What if people think of my career as a joke? Silly huh? I've always been a confident and brave person; but I guess even the strongest of us have our moments. I have not been performing the way I had intended; I wished there was a 'mental'-gym I could sign up for to train myself to health again :)
I've grown to accept that an easy life isn't necessarily a blessing and a difficult life isn't necessary a curse. The KEY word here is BALANCE - balance in life; between work AND play. Reminder: Living a balanced and fulfilling life.
Where am I headed next? :)

Then there is the families, friends, colleagues, foes, communities - the craziness of the relationship that I have with each one of them :) It might be the tiniest, most insignificant thing – yet it would instantly make me feel unreasonably upset, angry, irritated, guilty, sad or scared. Nonetheless I’m very proud and grateful to be a part of their lives somehow. Thanks for coming into my world and filling my life with more meaning than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for letting me see the other side of the world again through different eyes. And everyday gives me the opportunity to look for that special-ness with them, and then choose happiness :)

I am indeed a lucky and blessed woman. Thank You GOD!
Never have I been happier. Yet, never have I realized.