looking for a rainbow out there

yingze is flying to Cambodia tomorrow! :)
I need this break, I need this holiday. I am married to my job; it's a commitment I've so willingly made. It's been an amazing...amazing first quarter of 2009 despite its many ups and downs. Possibly the best I've ever experienced. Life changing; inspiring and full of memorable experiences.
I will like my job (or try to find the beauty in my always-challenging-never-ending-non-routine work). I will believe that my side of the grass is always greener. I will set realistic objectives. I will stress less about my family, relationships, financially and materialistically. I will do 1 favorite stuff of mine during the weekends (or sleep) :) I will learn how to be more shameless. Haha... :) I will learn to have a longer attention span and to listen better. I will stop chasing my own tail; dig my own grave, etc. Because I have become a wiser, calmer, stronger person.
Be the best that I can be.

honey-trap

Liverpool beat Hull 3-1. Not good enough, just not good enough :( Manchester United restored their three-point lead at the top of the EPL table with a 5-2 victory over Tottenham.

Eternal cycle of viral infections

Lunch Date – had lunch with Drew, Trix, Damian & Celtic. Haven’t seen Drew in ages. But he is still as charming as ever, funny, eloquent and so much fun to talk to.

Dinner Date – Miss Klein is back and she’s back for good! :) Torres, Ping, Wyatt, Trix, Damian & Celtic were in da’house. We ate a delicious meal and there was so much of merriment over the food, drinks, conversations, jokes and laughter. I feel truly blessed to know all of these people.

Work Tales – I’m MAD. But there is nothing much I can do. I’m not in the Top 6 priorities. Moving forward I can sense that Iron Butterfly and Rufus will provide their strong support and the availability of the already limited resources to the Top 6 categories while remain hopeful that the other categories will remain where it is with a slight improvement and do not tip the whole scale off. Iron Butterfly even scrap off my June event to give way to Matte-Marit’s category :( I am furious! Shocked! Why??! I could cry about it, which I did. I could laugh about it, which I did. I could curl up into a ball and wish I would disappear and I did that too - but I didn’t disappear :( It hurts to wake up in the mornings that usually begin with a sharp breath of panic whilst my brain tries to sort through the layers and layers of assumed realities. I take it one day at a time and I try and open my heart but everyday it’s such a battle. Honestly - the phases I go through sometimes, about wanting to achieve something, to better myself - is perhaps that because all of my fellow comrades are getting ahead of me. I’ve to constantly remind myself that we’re not on the same boat. They are managing everyday fast-moving categories and I’m not. Consumers are spending more on food and on the basic necessity. Are they willing to buy bicycles? Fitness items? Camping items? Big value items? Even the Appliances Department sales have drop drastically.
Nonetheless, I’m feeling as happy and content as I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m not sure what it is. I’m just so relaxed and quietly satisfied about everything. I will continue to voice out, remain vocal and break through every single block that Iron Butterfly puts in my way. As business begins to slow down; I've been braving myself for the reality of growth. Growth? Well; it's getting to be a lot more than I can handle at this point. It's getting a little bit overwhelming to have my mind working in a million directions. A long and winding road ahead.

till the end

4 – 4 :)
This season – I am very impressed with my boys, their determination and fighting spirit is absolutely amazing.

devil glam

I’ve learned to do less. I am begining to embarce more :)

like a full circle

Work Tales – it’s sad…but it’s the fact, the reality. When you have a small work portfolio, holding an insignificant department, when the figures are in red, when the items are not as demanding as before, when the market growth continues to be challenging as ever, when the nature of the business is not consumer-impulse-oriented, when the store support is driven to the HouseHold, Furniture, Stationary, Toys, Luggage & Electricity Department, when you are not in your Boss Top 6 Key Priorities >> eventually you don’t get the top management support; no matter how good your proposal is. Iron Butterfly’s focus is the Top 6 Categories. The Top 6 are the main priorities. The Top 6 will get the best in everything. I don’t get the support and the help. Iron Butterfly is giving me the indication that my department is less important, let's maintain it as it is. Hello...the company is paying me to do better. If it is to maintain as it is, then why am I here for?

This situation has forced me to look at myself and grimace. This current situation continually plagues me. The truth hurts. I also realized that I may be lower on the food-chain pyramid than I already am. And hang my head (and tail) low. Whatever it is, I have tasted the reality of it, and I am both shocked and shaken. Realizing and accepting this fact alone lifted about 90% of my stress and anxiety! I had so many plans for my portfolio and now it seemed that those plans would take a much longer time to materialize. I do acknowledge all of it as a positive challenge. I can't let that energy die down now! It's going to take a lot more to wear me out! I have to continue to motivate my store people and to create the “brand” in my department. 2009 will be about embracing challenges and new adventures plus managing people.

I do realize how hard it is going to be for me. Nonetheless, this underdog will bounce back. Firm and sure :) I’m still as competitive as ever! I do have a few more ambitious goals. I'm incredibly grateful for all of the opportunities that have come knocking. I've still got lots to learn and much knowledge to gain from everyone who is willing to share their views.

Next year can’t come soon enough. You’s too far away for now 2010. Once all of the bicycles at Keppel are out, once the whole division have stabilized, once things can run on auto-pilot by itself, once I hit a few perfect targets here & there >> its time for me to sign off. This job is making me bonkers. I don’t want to feel broken no more. I have sacrifice enough; my youth, my social life, my sleep, my holidays; my wrinkle free brow! I want to be a positive individual who is always learning and growing towards becoming a better person :) I want a care-free life.

crush

4-4. It was a good fight...sadly it was not enough. We lost. Tragic :(

enjoying the fullness of life

I left work today at 6.30pm sharp. I drove back home. I saw the sunset :)
I hardly see the sun during the weekdays.
I will leave home at 7am and leave the office at 9pm.
Yeah…my life is sucky. I’m too over committed :)

Great Expectations

Met up with S for lunch today. It was such a pleasure to meet over a glass of steaming hot teh tarik and a plate of mamak maggi mee goreng. We talked a lot about our work, going through the motions of our life and the feeling of frustration, triumphs & all. The good news is that S took a 360 degrees turn in her career. Resigned from HSBC and now taking a full-time course on becoming a teacher! Wow! S is warm, humble, very gracious and kind. I think S will be a great teacher. Inspiring millions. I hope S will one day play a part in re-vamping our country’s education system. Our students must not blindly follow the rules and instructions. They must be independent and not spoon-fed. If we lose our ability to think independently; then we lose our ability to think differently and that is the end of leadership – it’s a pity. Especially in a culture like, say; Malaysia - will know how difficult and painful it is.

To pursue an existing career path - or to explore a career change? To apply to a certain job or not? To leave a job or to wait for a miracle to happen? To accept an opportunity or to find another one? To fight or to move on? To study again - and if yes, which stream? To give an idea a go or to keep things at bay? These are some of the questions and decisions that we’ve been facing. In some situations, the decisions were made for us. In others, we had to agonies over the choices. Decision-making is never easy. Especially if the choices have life-altering consequences. Choosing what to eat for dinner may be a challenge on some evenings. But, it certainly can’t compare to say choosing how to go about a career change. There’s nothing wrong with forging ahead and making sure you get what you want.

i'm going to do a bit of a before and after

Liverpool destroys a hapless Blackburn 4-0 :)
Liverpool have to beat Chelsea next week after the latter beat the former 3-1 in the Champions League quarter-final first leg. It’s going to be a do-or-die battle.

Work Tales – Iron Butterfly is so going to kill me! 2009 B.M budget is at RM2.8 million; I only have RM1.8 million in my pocket! With 5 more contracts to go – it is totally impossible to achieve another RM1 million :( Iron Butterfly is going to screw me upside down. The idea of me to reach the 1 million mark seems soooo far away. How am I going to go about it and explain this? I'll never be able to survive this. It’s not the effort and process that Iron Butterfly is interested in, its the end results.

I am very confident with my ability to handle multiple projects and compartmentalizing my time accordingly. Well; I was at least. At university it was a breeze, right now...it's a #$@$&!!* tsunami! Every day is a new beginning to something different; terrain begging to be explored, it's an adventure! I enjoy every moment of it no doubt; I am learning more about the 'real' world more than I can imagine, but when I take a moment to re-evaluate; I'm actually still standing at the far end of the finish line. I'll be honest; I'm afraid. Very much. I understood what I was going to put myself through when I had decided to begin this journey. Speaking about and anticipating it was like a walk in the park, but watching it unravel before me is like a parcel with a million layers is ridiculously taunting! Little tidbits of luck have kept me excited; little words of encouragement from everyone help push me miles; but the truth is...I’m falling apart in exhaustion. Especially with this Clustrization Project.

bubble popping

Liverpool celebrates after Yossi Benayoun scored against Fulham (1-0) during their English Premier League soccer match at Craven Cottage. Wee :) The Reds are in pole position.

Brawn GP + Jenson Button – impressive. What a start! Lewis Hamilton, Kimi Raikkonen, Felipe Massa >> why so slow?! :(

laughing clubbing

Thank you & Goodbye Pak Lah.

Enter Najib…Good Luck. The public understands that change will not happen overnight. Will you be courageous enough?

Malaysians will be strong. I hope that all Malaysians will change forever and look at what they can do for this country, instead of relying on the nation to provide everything. We must be positive and see what we can do to make this country a better place. Sitting back and criticizing and not changing will just not work anymore. And I do hope that when we speak, we present our views clearly, rationally and with sensitivity instead of doing so anonymously.

2009 will be the Year of Meritocracy :) It's about time.

we live and we learn

I attended a Stress Management Training class today :)
Before the class started, I already got stress – the trainer pass around a 37 pages Stress Management booklet :)
There were a lot of games, discussions, brainstorming sessions going around, it was quite fun but a bit dull. The trainer was pleasurable; it looks like he was having an enjoyable time with us…I guess it feels good to help people, to put in the extra effort and to do it without expecting anything in return.

Stress…it’s like I have something evil inside of me. An evil version of me :) It knows everything about me. It knows which buttons to push. It knows exactly what to say to make me cry. It brings everything that is good inside me, down. Some days I am so down, that I am literally paralyzed. Paralyzed with an overwhelming cocktail of sadness, self-loathing, confusion, uncertainty and insecurity. It’s suffocating and relentless. And these feelings will grow and grow AND GROW until it’s so intense, I’m utterly consumed and I can’t function normally.
I have to overcome it with positive thinking. Rational thought. Being optimistic. Using the power of the mind. Or simply distracting my mind with something else. Surround myself with happiness. Arrange time with my family. My friends. My favorite places. My favorite music, foods, flowers, chocolates, long strolls at sunset, a manicure, a new dress and some pampering.
Thankfully, all this comes and goes. I might get it for 3 days, then things will be fine for a couple of weeks. Then it’ll hit for 4 days, and then settle down again. I’ve learnt how to ride my own depression, knowing fully that it will disappear if I manage things & people better. I can see the end.