sustained with faith & prayers

I certainly don’t like to be at the top. I also personally don’t want to be at the top. It’s cold up there. At the top, you have fewer friends, but many foes. The working place is very different from the classroom. In the classroom, everyone is equal because we are at the same age and of the same thinking capability. But in the working world, we have to deal with many people from all walks of life…differences in age & maturity, different working experiences, diverse background, varried attitudes, behaviors & personalities etc.

I have always said that I am an underdog in my life, regardless in whatever capacity that I am in :) I am also a very late bloomer :) And I will always forever be more comfortable with critics than with compliments. I will be more comfortable with failures than with successes. Even Iron Butterfly notices that too…I don’t know how to receive & acknowledge compliments. Can you believe it…I’m actually okay with losing :)

I don’t know…maybe I lack the Killer Instinct or the Must Win gene in me…and I flee from any form of competition or ranking. In school, I’ve never felt any desire to be at the top in the class or being the Number 1 in anything, be it in academics or in sports…and am truly happy if I’m somewhere in the upper half of any ranking. In my current working life…I’ve been fairly ambitious & motivated, but competitive; I don’t think so. Competition both bores me and makes me queasy…(but at times, it also excites me and brings out the best in me as well)…I get nervous & pressured…and for me life is too short to subject myself to such negative feelings. I don’t hanker for the adrenalin rush of being in a contest and I don’t bask in being in the centre of attention. Besides, I think it’s embarrassing to so be openly want to beat another person at something. It’s sort of pathetic really. I just don’t like being pitted against another person in an upfront way.

It’s not even that I’m afraid of losing; I wish it were that though…because if I were afraid of losing…it means that I want to win…and if I were hung up about winning, I’d be a more assertive sort of person…which I think I should be. Shouldn’t one be always striving to hit new heights? Maybe my ego is tiny and I feel that I can’t match up to others so I don’t try…or maybe my ego is so big and I don’t desire to pit myself against the others. Or it could just be that I’m lazy…comedian Drew Carey once said that some people don’t like competition because it makes them work harder & better :) Besides if I do win, I’ll probably feel bad for my opponent and worry that he or she won’t like me anymore…or worry that I’d be hit by hubris. I don’t try to excel at something because I want to outdo and outshone another person. It matters too much to me to keep the workplace atmosphere around me pleasant & nice.

This new title - certainly comes with a lot of unnecessary stress and expectations.