AT OUR OWN TIME

I don’t know what is wrong with me this month…somehow I just lost my motivation, the passion, the drive, the initiative to work…I was a little bit depressed earlier on…I was not in a total state of despair and disappointment, but I do need some cheering up…nonetheless it was manageable…because this year; my ambition is to overcome challenging, unnecessary, silly obstacles with happyness :)

There is a bit of drama going on…perhaps I got carried away. I’m supposed to get used to all these by now. I’m used to things refusing to go my way. I’m used to having to struggle, moan & whinge my way into getting something that’s not exactly what I want but that just will do.
When you are a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There are no limits. You expect the unexpected, you believe in the magic. Then as you grew older and that innocence is shattered. The reality of life gets in the way and you’re hit by the realization that you can’t be all you wanted to be, that you just might have to settle for a little bit less. Why do we stop believing in ourselves? Why do we let facts & figures and anything but dreams rule our lives?
I feel like screaming STOP…look around…re-arranging the order of a few things…and then continuing on.

Puncak Kasih

Cecelia Ahern: Where Rainbows End

I’m reading chick literature now :)
It’s a story about Alex Stewart & Rosie Dunne; childhood friends who have stuck by each other through thick and thin. But they’re suddenly separated when Alex and his family have to move from Dublin to Boston. Rosie is lost without him. Then, just as she is about to join Alex in Boston, she gets life-changing news – news that will keep her at home in Ireland. Circumstances and sheer bad luck just kept them apart. Both got married, had kids, then divorce…but at the back of their minds, they too wonder whether they were meant to be more than just good friends.

The book is well written and easy to read. Instead of reading the story in normal paragraphs, the story is being told in letters, emails and instant chat formats. So it’s pretty unique. However, it’s a bit long winded…come on, wait for 50 years before you get to re-unite with your man?! That’s bloody long! There is no extravagant encounters, bitchy wives, tasty characters, betrayals, sex, evil plotting…nothing juicy.

Jaded with life

I’ve got a stomach virus and on Friday itself…I vomited 9 times. 9 TIMES!!!
I puke out my breakfast, my lunch…everything…
Raging temperature, flu, cough, a terrible headache and a very aching body :(
I’m dying…

making every moment a precious one

Jaded with Celtic at work!
Jaded with every thing possibly connected to Celtic!
I didn't fit in, and I didn't even bother trying…I will always be in Celtic’s shadow. Everyone and everything will goes to Celtic.
I feel irrelevant, and hence I’m not being taken seriously.
I know this year will bring new challenges (positive ones), and changes into my life. I’ve learnt that one never gets to do what one wants in life. Sigh. It seems that my life’s a never ending mission of achieving some objective or the other. But I’m happy :)

my piano knows me better

Malaysia’s current political landscape is not in the pink of health. There is so much of bickering going around. I wonder if my elected leaders know exactly what they're doing when they talk. The public trashing is not going to solve anything, it remains a fact that the people would like to give The Opposition a chance. They want change. They want to see change. As a non-bumiputra, I hate some written laws that make me feel I'm second class, I weep for the unjust things my fellow citizens have had to endure…but with this election shocking results, it just goes out to show that Malaysians; regardless of their races would like to see equality. But to see equality, the realities can be harsh…because there are still shallow-minded people who think that this land belongs to them only and the special privileges are their rights…and this pains me to sometimes feel, that positive change might never ever come. This is further reinforce when the Tengku Mahkota of Kelantan; Tengku Mohammad Faris Petra Sultan Ismail reiterated that nobody should challenge Malay Rights & Privileges because it is quid pro quo in return for providing citizenships to 2.7 million people of other races who joined the Malay Federation. It is not appropriate for the other races to demand equal rights and privileges after they had already acquired their citizenships. The only rights that the non-bumis have are the freedom to practice their religion. These are the words coming from a crown prince!

But above all these, I know one thing: I know I love my country, I want the best for her.
At times, I try to leave, and take my family with me. Is it such a crime? The bumiputras, when holding a conversation with us non-bumiputras, will never understand that. I haven’t met one that do. We don't expect them to. I want to tell all the leaders this (both the Government and The Opposition) - I hope whatever you guys are doing; you're doing it for our country's future good. I won’t rise up to be this country’s leader and I can't say I'll be a perfect leader, I'm sure your experience makes you guys more qualified than me. But in my position as a single citizen, I just want to say this: All I hope for is that you remember the very identity that makes Malaysia so Malaysian. Malaysia is diverse. Unity comes only when all in diversity sing the same, harmonically orchestrated symphony in a united tune. We may be of different races, colors and creed, but deep down we're all the same. We're all Malaysians, and I love my country just as much as you do.

Movie: StarDust.
An adventure that begins in a village in England and ends up in places that exists in an imaginary world. This movie just entertains you. There is no historical epic to tell, there is no folklore tales to share, no lessons to be learn…a movie fantasy that just entertains you. But unfortunately, I didn’t connect with the characters at all.
Robert DeNiro – Captain Macho kononya…he’s funny here :)
Michelle Pfeiffer – Loves her! Loves her!
Claire Danes – Haven’t seen any movies of her for so so long. She is sort of wasting her talent in this movie because it’s such a light character. It doesn’t challenge her much because I know that she really can carry heavy roles. She is way better than Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff & all the girls from the High School Musical.
It’s an okay movie. Not great, just okay.

Suria - Amber

This week, I’m a little bit bitchy. Sometimes nice. Usually demented. Always lost.
I lost my PenDrive. Shit!!! :(

Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.
And old man, a young man, and life’s greatest lesson.

Life’s Greatest Lesson: The Meaning Of Life

I could so relate to Mitch’s character…I’m in his shoes. Everything was just spot on.
The years after graduation hardened me into someone quite different from the strutting graduate who left Murdoch South Street Campus in 2005. The corporate world I discovered was not all that interesting. I traded lots of dreams for a bigger paycheck. At one point, I have taken labor as my companion and had moved everything else to the side.
I once told myself I would never work for money, that I would join the United Nations, that I would live in beautiful, inspirational places...helping people. I used to eat my lunch in my cubicle, continuing doing my work and thought nothing of it all. At times I half-sleep, busy doing things that I think are important but in actual they aren’t. And I never realized I was doing it. My days were full yet I remained much of the time unsatisfied to an extent. What is expected of me versus what I want for myself. The book called it Tension Of Opposites. Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.
Everyone I know is so wrapped up with egotistical things – career, having enough money, car, mortgage, family – we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. We don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying ‘Is this all'?...‘Is this all I want’?...‘Is something missing'? We put our values in the wrong things. And it leads to a very disillusioned lives. Once you start running, it’s hard to slow yourself down. My circles of friends are doing it, thus there is no one there to actually stop and remind me…except for my parents…which they did recently. I think my parents wouldn’t mind if I have a low-pay job but living in a more fulfilled life.

I guess I will need all the courage to forgive myself…for all the things I didn’t do.
All the things I should have done.

Morrie asks:
Have you found someone to share your heart with? – NO.
Are you giving back to your community? – NO.
Are you at peace with yourself? – NO.
Are you trying to be as human as you can be? – Am trying to.

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

The book changed my perception a little.
I am not changed but slightly a different self now.
I’m different in my attitudes.
I’m different appreciating my body, which I didn’t do fully before.
I’m different in terms of trying to grapple with the big questions, the ultimate questions, the ones that won’t go away :)

a walk with brother bear

My cousin Jeanne is down in KL with her husband; Michael and their 3 adorable children – Alessandra, Isaac and Lucas. Hanging out with the kids…it was truly moments of madness :) yet it was really refreshing and inspiring. The boys charmed everybody with their cheeky smiles and entertained the adults with their silly antics. They have happy, playful and spirited energy…very active and fidgety. They are loud, cute, funny, creative, weird and I just love them to bits.
Sigh. They really do grow up so fast!

One of the best things about being a stay-at-home-mom (based on my observation on Jeanne; she works part-time, twice a week) is that you get to see and shape most of your child’s first experiences. You encourage them, praise them, help them, have fun with them and you get to teach them other things like skills, rules, the bigger picture of life. Basically, you help them become the person that they are. And it happens in front of your eyes. Every day. It’s very cool :)
I guess crafting new experiences for your child is all part of nurturing their character.

"Beautiful Deer"

Benjamin gets into trouble again! Reckless!
With Benjamin, it’s a shattering & devastating journey, mischievous, and full of everyday joy :) So much money is being spent on him alone.

Today I paid the booking fees for this. Commitment time.
When I was in school, I was comfortably asking for money from my Pa and Mum anytime I wanted to buy something. Nowadays, I'd feel terribly guilty if I had to tell them that money is a little tight. Surprisingly, I could save a lot more when I was barely out of school and earning a measly paycheck…now, I'm getting twice of what I used to earn then and barely, just barely making ends meet.
When I was still a wee lass in school, graduation and earning a degree seemed like such a big deal. But now, I've passed the threshold, I've gone one step further than my parents in education.
I've come a long way since…and I feel no different. Life is tough. I can’t escape it.
I’m getting a life – not putting it on hold.

it’s a consuming thought

Have you attended a china-man company meeting before?
It’s pathetic…un-professional; conducted in Chinese…sodding depressing :(
I want to go back to MNC!!

"If you can't see any opportunities where you are now, don't waste your time criticizing the darkness. . . .Light a candle to find your way out" – UnKnown.

I try to keep a positive and healthy attitude about it all.
I like to focus on the good and happy things in my life.
I like to speak, think and write about it in a positive way.
I like to think that in the end, if it’s not to be, then I shall be happy with what I have gained.

If anything, I guess thinking happy thoughts and trying to stay positive will keep me less stressed, relaxed, in the mood and who knows what might happen next! :)