The Kitchen Musical

No matter how much I love my life right now; there are always moments where I feel absolutely suffocated and choked in it. I guess it’s the same for everyone else. Since September 11 – I have been feeling very down, lots of negative energy inside of me, my motivation is zero, my morale is low, I can't focus, every day is a struggle to go through…I don’t know…maybe I see that there are just too many flaws, weaknesses and imperfections within me, I know what is the root of the problems are but I just have no idea on how to overcome them. You know the drill – the feeling of being rotten at relationships, awful taste in men, downright terrible at my job, no friends in keeping me semi-sane & grounded and the remedy for every failure & every humiliation there is. I feel under-achieved too. I remembered that I used to envy the rich man's daughter in school, the friend I had who could afford everything which I couldn't. I am never exactly poor, but I still compared my life and what I didn't have to what they had. The branded designer clothes that I could not afford. The branded cars that they drove, that I didn't have. The glamorous job that they attained, which I failed to get. The big house that they are staying which is beyond my reach. The perfect life that they are leading. You know, things like this, eventually they drive you crazy! Because then you start to blame life, blame God, the universe, karma, and then you start counting your birth dates & birth times and to look at horoscopes & palm readings to find an excuse for your own miserable life.

The truth is, I have been feeling a bit…unfulfilled…of late. My life is truly a blessing in every way, GOD is in my life doing wonders...but they are also very, very time consuming and challenging. It has been getting easier and easier to lose sight of how lucky I am. I try not to think about it, about anything, about everything that's happening in my life right about now. Actually, that is a lie. I think about it all the time, every waking moment. It's part of me. It's what makes me who I am, and that has always been a problem and a solution in itself.

Maybe the first step is to face my dark side and acknowledge that it exists. I don’t think I’m allowed to be happy. It’s as though I’ve been slotted into this category on earth where I’m meant to be sad and miserable.

Well, tomorrow is another brand new day :) I will try again tomorrow. Good, Better, Best.