smile at the storm

I am 30 years (and 183 days) old today :) Why am I announcing this publicly? Perhaps seeing it in print might help this fact to sink in better :) It’s also a bit of a challenge with the passing of every calendar year to have your brain steadfastly remain in its heady 20s, while your body send you stark reminders of your corporeal shelf life in the form of aches and creaks :)

I want to be very honest about this. In terms of my social life this year, it’s exploding; full of fireworks which I am very happy about because I get to experience, see, feel & touch so many things. It was so good for my senses. It was fresh, exciting, triumphant, big, bold, brave, powerful but also soft, intimate, humble and quiet. I love how it feels, I love how it sounds, it has so many journeys that I will take with it, it is also very experimental. I am really enjoying it :)

Professionally, I was at ease for the first 6 months of the calendar year, even though I was running around like headless chickens with the French. However, for the last 6 months, I am still a little bit uncomfortable with this new change & environment. Maybe it’s because I know that Leonardo still holds a torch for Jonas, everyone in the office is still talking about Jonas, everyone is comparing me with Jonas, everyone is still highlighting the greatness & the masterpieces of Jonas (even though there are wrongs here & there, they will still gladly covering everything up), and then there is the troublemaker Alice; who whispers to fellow suppliers that I have yet to settle down nicely, I have not been performing, I am of no use, hopeless, blur, indecisive, dependent, slow, inefficient, no logic & sense, I am a loner in the office with no friends and I don’t get along well with Leonardo. Thus, because of Alice - everyone thinks that I am not happy. Yes, I am indeed not happy because of the above events. How am I to be happy? At the end of the day, I’m a human being too. And I know that it doesn’t help that I have yet to deliver the numbers to back me up. The BTS season have already started and what pains me the most is that every single division is on an up-trend while I am still registering a deficit :(

Even Stewart also ask me the other day ‘Seriously, are you happy, is Stationery fun for you?’ I too did consider joining back Stewart for a moment there. Stewart feels that I don’t look like a Stationery Buyer :) When I was doing Stationery in M13, I remembered that I was loving it. Now, I find it to be very boring. The French have been bought over by the Japanese. Apparently, everything will be at a status quo until further notice. Thank You GOD, Praise To The Lord, Bless You GOD – Madam Tang & Mr. Shoji; whom I met in December last year during an interview session…unexpectedly, these people remember me and was shock that I have eventually left. And they even ask if I would like to return. Which I am tempted to but not at the moment because things have yet to stabilize at their end. And anyway, no more Buying/Sourcing/Merchandising job for me anymore in the future. It will be Planing/SDD.

Honestly though, I’ve never quite bought into that mentality that one must behave ‘a certain way’ when one has reached ‘a certain age’. If there’s anything my uncertain life has taught me, it’s that I should grab every proverbial bull by the horns and make a nice handbag or two of it. Achieving this state of mind, however, has taken years of learning, as well as unlearning. More so having grown up and lived in a society and during a generation in which ‘what people said – or rather gossiped’ mattered more that ‘what made you content’.

In my realm of growth and moving ahead strategies :) I have decided to add these 4Rs into my life – Rebel, Roam, Release and Revel. To me, Rebel is about doing something contrary to communal expectations. I will continue to do what I think is right. Roam, if you want to or need to and roam around the world for sure. Roaming so far has jolted me out from my comfort zone and opens my eyes to the myriad options that is outside the perimeters of my private tempurung. That is also why I am encouraging myself to grab the opportunities whenever it present itself to see and experience other lifestyles & culture. You’ll either learn something useful and new or appreciate what you already have. Perhaps the biggest area of unlearning for me was to learn to let things go; Release. In my case, a deepening sense of faith has helped tremendously. I was a firebrand in my younger days with a razor sharp tongue to boot. This doesn’t mean that I now have angel wings and a gleaming halo. However, I am learning to accept that sometimes it’s not worth getting your knickers in a tight knot over petty matters and that forgiving quickly saves you stomach ulcers. And I want to Revel with happy thoughts :)

I know that I have been very tired; both physically & mentally. Emotionally too. Starting all over again as the new Division Manager for D33. The whole cleaning up process with William & Henry. Then, it was moving over to G13. Again, starting all over again from the beginning. But I have definitely evolved. I have evolved as a person, I have become clearer about how to express myself and I am in a zone that is much more direct. I have become a better individual. I have become more clear in how to execute my plans and have finally learnt how to give everything.

It is up to the people whether they want to judge their life in a monetary perspective or in a non-monetary perspective. There is no right or wrong. I just tend to evaluate my life on the number of adventures, experiences & senses that I go through and the happy thoughts that I have. I am a nomad; I drift from one place to another.

I try – uncomplicated, every day I gratefully let something go, making space in my life for new ideas & experiences. Every day, I remember the essence of who I am. I believe when you do something with your heart and do it 100%, you have to be proud of yourself & your team and I will try again next year :)

I will not explain every decision that I have make. Let people see & judge for themselves. They can discuss among themselves. They can think what they want. They can say what they want. They can critic what they want. I will do my job and I will let the people to decide it. I do that every day and I do my best every day. I know why I do it.

These experiences made me feel so small, so grateful and so inspired. I felt so alive. So peaceful. So happy with this conclusion :)