just different lah

I missed Trix :( Trix's last working day was on last week Friday. I'm sad that Trix have to go; yet happy at the same time that Trix have found a better career prospect in Singapore. And because of this, there's a little separation anxiety or sadness when the time comes to say goodbye. This is my second time that I am saying goodbye to Trix. The first time was in M13 when I left the company earlier.

People come and go; and I have learned to accept that. But most importantly, I have learned the importance of staying in touch. At the end of the day, I will have nothing but relationships. I cannot describe how blessed and fulfilled I am to have Trix's company for the past 5 years :)

LoveMark

"We were not given a choice. We were thrust into it" - We often justify this statement to whoever is within from our earshot. More often than not however, if we think about it enough, we know that the words are really an attempt to subdue the uneasy twinges of conscience that surface when you feel you've not performed according to what has been required & expected of you. With sufficient repetition, there comes a time when we may no longer feel any twinges or pricking of conscience altogether, and hence there is no longer any need for any form of justification for the perceived substandard work we present. Quite simply, we no longer see ourselves as what we should be against what we are. My D33 is blooming, D34 is dying.

Sigh...I've noticed that in the past few weeks, I've less of an opinion about everything under the sun, I'm less passionate about voicing my two-cents on everything, I'm more introverted...where is my motivation? Where is my hunger? I'm going to need time and will find the time to collect myself and get myself back together a bit.

LEVI

And yes, I love quotes and here's a really good one :)

Be careful the toes you step on today; it may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow

Iceberg Lettuce

Secret Recipe - I invited Atticus over for dinner, the objective was just to meet-up and catching-up with each other. In a totally unexpected & surprise move, Atticus brought along Rodrigo and turn the whole session into an interview meeting. I am very thankful & grateful for these two individuals. From the day I left M13 until now...whenever I toy with the idea of leaving my current job position, these 2 angels will turn up somehow, somwhere, opening doors for me. And every time, I have to decline their good offers. I feel guilty and embarassed each time. I'm a firm believer that the lightning does not strike twice at the same place. I know if I reject their very first offer, I am very sure that there will be no more offers after that. But these 2 individuals still remembers me, didn't give up on me, keep on approaching me year after year. Thank you GOD. I must be doing something right. And I know how blessed and privilege I am. Every day, every year, is precious.

I have text Rodrigo my magic numbers :) proposal & request. The ball is in their court now. I really want to stay on with The French but I just can't find a reason for doing so. If they can give me an assistant, I would definitely re-consider the whole situation. This exhaustion...its going to take time, it's an injury that needs to heal and I have to make sure that my psyche is right before I push it in any way but it's going well so far.

Rakuzen - dinner with Danny. I just need more clarification on The English. Thank GOD, he was kind and feed me with all the necessary & vital information that I need. Danny is the brainy one. He's sharp as a tack and he's full of in-depth conversations. If I'm really going to join The English, I need to go in with a game plan, strategies that will work to my advantage. And that Optional Tactic - interesting, cunning, sly, deceiving, dirty. But as always, Yingze will work with Passion, Commiment, Courage, Honesty & Loyalty.

champs VS chumps

"There is no end. There is no begining. There is only the passion in life" - the great Italian Director Federico Fellini.

Dinner with Judy at Famous Thai - I really enjoy talking to her, she's one of those people who have fire in their veins, those that bring color to the pattern of life by practically pulsating with the energy of being alive :) I swear, I can practically see her life force crackling. What's great about these kind of people is that they enjoy life and express their love & passion through creative personal styles & work. I love that! I think that's what life is all about, or what it should be about; enjoying the moment, the experience and living every day with an intensity of being :)

There are many people out there who are like that, those that subscribe to a different order. Not for them the mundane, ordinary and absolute nothingness. How does one survive a daily existence of nothingness? How does one wake up every day with no heart, no soul and no imagination? I cannot being an emotionless vampire, with no spark inside. It's what happens when a person succumbs to a rigid and cloistered way of thinking. That's why I always make a point of learning from people who march to a different beat. The ones who take risks, who go out there and actually do something as opposed to merely talking. These are the people who challenge & inspire and they're eveywhere nowadays.

But then, there are also lots of the "others"; you know, the ones who like to make life difficult or miserable, for themselves and everyone around them. Such creature will never know what's it like to feel their soul take flight, to be swept away by an intensity of feeling, to feel the rush of adrenaline that takes one away into the trackless night. Does all this sound extreme? Not at all. Some people spend their entire lives steeped in misery, mired in a depression of their own making. But there is nothing worthy or heroic in that.

Go out and live. I don't have to create great works of arts, I don't even have to be the most stylish or the best at everything. I just need to go out there and get a life. And make it an extraordinary one - in my own eyes if not the world's.

the regular side

I have calmed down. I have come to my senses. Doing D34 was a tough time in my career but I wouldn't change it. I have been given the responsibilities and I will have to do it well; until I quit. I need the bad days to make me realize that it is not always a walk in the park. In juggling this new additional role, I have aspired to have the wisdom of a prophet and the agility of an acrobat.

I don't have a set of destination of where I want to be. Heck, I don't even know what I want to do in 5 years time. I only know what I want now. I can only build on my capabilities and perform better than my counterparts and I know I will go somewhere, someday.

My Bad

D34 - as a conclusion; Damian is a very good friend but not a very capable employee. I cannot believe and accept the fact that I have inherited such a rubbish & shitty Department. It's like there is no one actually managing the whole category for one whole year but in actual fact, Damian have been the driver behind the business. I can only describe the whole situation in one word: HANCUR! The suppliers complained. The store people make noise. Damian could not be bother by it all. Damian just let the business fall and die. Damian didn't even bother to take the initiative to save the business. I thought I was the only one who is suffering in silence. Apparently Wendy, Celtic and Stewart was not happy as well with the way Damian performs on the job. Now, I know where is Damian's capability level are. Damian have no job foundation and certainly don't know how to deliver & perform on the job.

I am angry, bitter, confused, frustrated, irritated, upset...disoriented...everything...because I am not happy & satisfied :( How can Iron Butterfly let Damian out of the hook so easily? Why there are no actions being taken? Damian was the weakest link in the group. I am not saying that I am perfect. I have my flaws as well. But I do my job well. I take the responsibilities and initiative to learn from others & I ask questions. And Damian didn't. Damian didn't do anything at all. Zero. No initiative and sense of responsibility & ownership in overcoming the problems & challenges. Everything was swept under the carpet. Why Iron Butterfly didn't push Damian but pushes Celtic & me to the max everytime. To make matters worst, I have checked the deparment account books - and there are no money in it! I am shocked & appalled. How am I going to submit the fees until the end of the year? Where am I going to find the money? :( I have to go and clean someone's else shit.

The workload for D33 is already unbearable and now I have to do D34. If I do D33, I cannot do D34. If I do D34, I cannot do D33. I really cannot cope, I cannot manage, I cannot juggle. All Snow Petrol & Felix only know is how to push me for sales, margins, stock days, action plans, operation efficiency. I have no space to breath :( I have become a very impatient person. I raised my voice (read: yelled) towards everyone more frequently. I am grumpy more often. I get easily irritated at the slightest 'negative attitude' from everyone. I tried to withhold my impatience and anger till my head hurts. I felt incapable of controlling my emotions & outburst. Sigh.

As I cannot take this anymore longer, I brought this issue up to Felix immeadiately. Don't get me wrong, I am not back-stabbing. I need to highlight the issues. I don't want to carry the weight. I do not need this burden. I don't want to walk down this path. I am not running from my responsibilities & duties. I am not detaching myself. I need to protect myself. I need to delegate and pass this stress to Felix. I cannot do this alone anymore as I used to. It's painfully unbearable. I cannot walk alone anymore. This burden is too heavy for me. This is just not fair to me. I deserve much better. Much better. I have to start D34 all over again, from scratch. I have no assistant to assists me, I do everything by myself, everything is a one-man show here, shitty bonusses (but fair enough because I didn't acheive my KPIs), minimal increment...yet Damian earns more than me and have Christine as an assistant. This is one fight where I lost everything. I have gained nothing. I'm the biggest loser here. I have to fight my battle somewhere else :(

But thank GOD, I still can face Damian and I still know how to differentiate that friend is friend, work is work. I still can forgive. I still can draw the line. Wendy & Celtic are not in talking terms with Damian at the moment and is giving Damian the cold shoulder. I bet that Damian don't even know what is going on and what is the fault. I guess Wendy & Celtic just don't know how to face Damian. When you are being consumed with so much of hatred, and when you have to look at that person's face, you become more angrier and perhaps you get disgusted and you want to raise your voice and ask why that person didn't do the job properly. And that negative confrontation is surely will affect the comradeship which they have built. Harsh words will be spoken, feelings will be hurt...so it's better off to isolate oneself and to avoid each other. Until everything and everyone have calms down.

Amazing Grace

There have been calls and SMSs of job offers from Guillermo, Atticus and Rodrigo. Three offers; no it's 6 offers actually (including Haakon's, Madam Chappron's and Amy's) - all within a month.

Thank you GOD; my Protector, my Comforter. You are always standing by my side, you give me the strength to endure during my most difficult moments, you have blessed me very richly in many ways & in many aspects of my life, you even answered my prayers too...I know that I sound like a very religious person these days...but there are many things, many events that took place in my life which I also cannot explain myself. The timing, how the events actually unfolds by itself, the people, the kindness & the generosity that I received, the outcome...everything. I see myself change, I see my life turn for the better.

I have been praying very hard recently, hoping my prayers will be answered; praying for a new job and GOD gave me 6 job offers to consider...is good isn't it? 6 job offers within a month's time. GOD is great. I have been blessed again and again. I don't think there is anyone out there who is as lucky as me. However, fortunately or unfortunately; all of them are in the retail trade :( Is this fated? Or is GOD playing me around? I guess I have to pray more specifically then :) Yes, I know that I am being very difficult & fickle-minded here. I pray, I seek, I asked...GOD answered my prayers...but not to my liking :) And right now, I ended more confuse and lost than ever. But I cannot deny the power of prayers, the blessings from our parents and the works of GOD's. Of course, that doesn't mean that I can sit down and do nothing but wait for things to happen and drop it onto my lap. I always believe that GOD will help those who help themselves.

I am still looking for corporate challenges in the workplace. But there are changes now as I grow older. I'm in search of an employer who understands that people have lives to lead. I am the kind of person who really enjoys working and I don't exactly work for the money, so excitment and positive challenges is what drives me. I like to work for a boss who knows what he/she wants, and who knows what I am capable of - I seek to trust and I seek trust. I like acheiving goals; and I like it very much when my boss is able to bring out the best in me, enrich my strengths, correct my weaknesses, helping me to grow as an employee & as an individual and I will work very hard to provide solutions to the person who employs me. If my proposed solutions are not an option, then I would like guidance, a clear direction as to what I should do to make things right. If my boss doesn't know what he/she wants (which I am experiencing it right now at the workplace), then we are all doomed :(

“Reclaiming Me”

Bonus Payout - peanuts amount :( I'm getting more demotivated. I lost everything. What to do...I didn't meet my KPIs. I was the lowest among the rest :( Maybe this is a sign...indicating...it's time to move on...I have to let go of this fight and fight my battles somewhere else. I'm really happy for the rest of the team because they truly deserve it all after all of the hard work that they have put in for the past one year...and yes; I do get envious...I admit it...a lot...but the truth is, that is a very natural human reaction.
Many are shy and in denial to admit that they are envious of others. However, there is a green-eye monster in most of us, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. It is easy to be envious of something or someone because there will always be a certain thing in our life which we will want at some point but can never be obtain. Be it a physical object, material item, a certain someone, an event that occured to someone or a characteristic that we do not have but want. As far as I am concerned, as long as we don't let the green-eye monster consume us so much, envy enables us to learn many things about ourselves and to push ourselves to work harder & smarter. Use envy as a positive tool.

MIGHTY TO SAVE

One of my suppliers (Madam Chappron; GOD bless her) have asks me whether I am interested to work with the English. Apparently, one of the Senior Division Managers has asked about me. I don't think that the Senior Division Manager have enquire about me at all, I suspect that Madam Chappron (with good intentions) have strongly recommended me to the Senior Division Manager. Again, it's the retail trade. Oh no! :(

Thank you GOD for your blessings, continuous opportunities and your generosity. You are indeed mighty enough to save me...but in retail? I know that I'm always going to want to learn new things. I'm always going to try and acquire new skills. I'm always going to be interested in a myriad of subjects. That's me :) But retail? I'm very tired of this modern trade. I've already got burned. I have phobia right now. Every morning, I don't even feel like going to work. I am raising the white flag. I am pressing the red button. I don't want to have a heart attack, high blood pressure or suffer from depression. I truly love my job but the amount of paperwork, the clerical workload plus the demanding stress working culture...it's exhausting me. Badly. Really.
I love my life so much; I just cannot bear to imagine myself not living anymore. There's wisdom in knowing when to let go. Better sooner than later.

I know that I am not the kind of person who squealed and fainted, screamed and flapped.
But I'm very sure that the world out there is big and I should not confine myself in this small retail world. Will wait for the right time to spread my wings, to explore new territories.
Baby steps all the way :)

my search

The novel is set in Afghanistan, then later in America; focusing on the lives of two boys and an event that changes their lives forever. Interesting, engaging, entertaining, remarkable, moving and humbling.

Overall, the whole book completely floored me. It hit me close to home. The characters are truly inspiring - to anyone. I despise Amir's cowardness, I respect Hassan's unwavering faithfulness & ever generous forgiving gesture and I simply adore little Sohrab's audacity. It's about living life with passion, loyalty, honesty and courage. It's about surviving and thriving. It is written in a very straight-forward style. Short, strong sentences, with lots of punch. Which I liked. The writer did well (again) and I didn't find myself bored once :)